Motherhood

Last week, Jason and I finished all ten seasons of Friends.  Needless to say, I was crying my eyes out when we were finished.  I was so emotional about it! Partially because it was that time of the month, and also because I just didn't want it to end.  You know the feeling you get when you finish a really good book and you're just so sad it's over?  I always want to know more about the characters and what happens next, and at the end of the book I'm so heart broken that I can't experience more with the characters that I became so connected to.   

I mean.. look at her.  She's 46 and looks better than I will ever hope to!  I'm obsessed.

Because my "Friends" have been on my mind lately, I started to do a little research on my favorite character, Jennifer Aniston.  She has always been one of my favorite actresses, and it dawned on me that I don't know much about her as a person, I only know the characters that she has played.  I've always thought that we would be friends in real life if we knew each other, but as I searched the web, that was confirmed.  She seems like a kind, genuine person, and from the interviews I read, her humor is right up my alley.  I think she is great!  Despite the fact that she's on my husband's "list."

As I browsed the internet for accurate sources, I came across an incredibly interesting quote by her.  I was reading up on her divorce, and the poor thing had rumors upon rumors upon rumors being spread about it.  Talk about getting personal!  I don't envy all the celebrity's who can't seem to have anything stay private.  Anyway, there was a specific rumor that said the reason for Jen and Brad's split was her refusal to have children with him.  This is what she said,

"...I've always wanted to have children, and I would never again give up that experience for a career." -Jennifer Aniston

 That really struck a cord with me.  A lot of people in today's world say how much women give up by having children, and they even go as far as to criticize and look down on those who do.  I'm not going to pretend that Jen and I are on a personal level and that I know anything about her situation or why she has never had children, but I can draw certain conclusions from that short, but profound quote; That she wanted to, and that her career has gotten in the way of that.  I also believe that if she were to do it all over again, she would put motherhood above her career any day.  Unfortunately, you live and learn, and sometimes you end up learning things a little too late.

I don't thin that every woman should be a mother, especially if they don't want to.  I'm also not putting down those who choose not to have children.  Having children is a very personal choice.  However, I do believe that being a mother is one of the greatest, most noble, and incredible things a woman can be.  It's not something that should ever be criticized, it should be glorified.  When the time is right, I can't wait to be a mother.  To me, it's not a sacrifice.  I'm not giving up who I am or what I love to become a mother, it's what I am meant to be.

To all of you amazing mom's out there, and especially my mom (and my mother in law's), Thank you!  Thank you for choosing to be a mother.  Thank you for kissing every boo boo, reading us stories every night, listening to our troubles and comforting us through them, teaching us right from wrong, not killing us as teenagers, being our shoulder to cry on when the world isn't fair, and being our biggest fan.  It was an incredibly hard, and thankless job most of the time, but you took it like a champ.  You don't hear it enough, but we love you, and we will be forever grateful to you.  Mom's rock!  And I can't wait to be one.  

Married.

Last week, I was able to go home to Utah and visit my family and friends.  It was seriously the best, and I was so incredibly happy to see everyone!  The only downside is that Jason wasn't there with me.  I'll tell you what, your perspective completely changes once you get married and commit yourself to someone.  There was a time when I thought no one could take precedence over my family, and I was right.  No one can take precedence over my family, except there is one little detail.  Jason is my family. Obviously, my family is still my family, and I love them more than words can ever say, but Jason is now my Family as well; We are now our own little family. Never have I ever cared that I was going on a trip without a boyfriend, especially if it was a trip with my family.  It's always a plus to have your S.O. there with you, but it wasn't a necessary thing for me.  I never cared all that much. I was like, "I'm going to cali with my family TTYL, HAGS!" and that was that.   Okay, maybe not quite like that, but still, you get my point.  Jason has changed my life in so many ways.  In ways that I probably haven't even realized yet.  Being in Utah with some of the people that I hold the most dear was so great, and I loved every minute, but being there without Jason was like going on a big family vacation to Hawaii and leaving your mom home, or one of your siblings.  It's like... hey, why are we leaving mom home?  It's just not a family trip without Mom.  Ohana means family.  Family means that no one gets left behind!

Being in Utah without Jason was like that, and I started to get a familiar feeling every night when I went to bed, alone.  It took me back to a time when I was single.  I don't know about you, but the times that I get the most profound thoughts are at night when I'm going to sleep, or in the shower.  Being single is fun, or so we all tell ourselves.  And for awhile, it is.  Then after awhile, it's not.  It's really, really not, and we keep trying to tell ourselves that it is, and sometimes we actually believe it.  We enjoy "the game," and we go to party after party, meeting tons of new people and fooling ourselves into thinking that we are making "so many new friends," and that college life is the best because I get to "do me."  

That is the great thing about college life and single life, we get to discover ourselves, and we make mistakes, and we do a lot of fun things with a lot of fun people, and if we are lucky, we make a few life long friends.  I'm not saying that being single is a bad thing, in fact, it is necessary. But still, at the end of the day, when the excitement is gone, and the people who constantly surround you have gone home, you're left alone.  At the end of the day, your lonliness overwhelms you, because you realize that you really are on your own.  Don't get me wrong, I love a good party every now and again, but after awhile it gets old, and you realize that these parties and these people and this environment is so.... empty.  And even though you try to ignore those feelings for so long, they always catch up to you because you can't hide from yourself forever, and you can only surround yourself with people for so long.  Then, when you're all alone wondering where you want your life to go, you get that feeling of being unfulfilled.  If you're in this stage of life, or have ever been in this stage of life, you know the feeling.  I'm glad I didn't give up and stop going to parties, and hanging out with a million different people, and coming home every night feeling unfulfilled.  If I would have given up, I wouldn't have met Jason. 

While I was in Utah I got to visit with my mom and dad, my brothers who everyone knows, I love dearly, all of my wonderful in-laws who I adore, and some of my very best friends!  At the end of the day though, I got that familiar feeling of being unfulfilled, because I wasn't with Jason.  It wasn't quite the same, because lucky for me, I get to keep my Jason forever, and I know that, but I realized now more than ever, that he really is the most important person in my life.  And for those of you who are married and have spent any time away from your spouse, I'm sure you have had this similar feeling.  

Being married rocks, and I would seriously recommend it to everyone.  When people say, "don't get married, it's a trap!"  I think it is the saddest thing in the world.  And I know that at the end of the day, they get that overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I once knew all too well.  The growth that I have had since I chose to take my life to the next step and marry my best friend has been anything but small.  I know I have a lot more growth to do, and I know I'll have my sweetheart by my side every step of the way.  There hasn't been a more perfect thing for humans than marriage and families.  I'm lucky to have my spouse by my side every step of the way, forever.  Marrying Jason was the best decision I have ever made, some may say it's the newlywed in me, some may say "call me in 10 years," and to them I say, you may be right, but the only difference between newlywed's and people who have "fallen out of love," or "changed," is effort.  Newlyweds are constantly trying to make each other happy.  If everyone stayed in their newlywed habits, I think the divorce rate would be much, much lower.  I love my husband, I wont ever stop, because I made a commitment to him, and I made a commitment to God, and that is more important to me than anything else in the world.

This all just kind of spilled out of me when I sat down to write, I intended to write about my super duper fun trip to Utah!  Guys, it was super fun!  Can you tell I missed Jason? Here's a picture of us at the temple in South Carolina today.  

We drove 2 hours to get there, and upon arriving were told that it was closed for maintenance... just our luck, right?  We still had a good time, despite the circumstances, and we were able to feel the spirit even though we didn't get to do a session.  Anyway, for those of you in that lonely state, to you I say, It only goes up from here.